I MISS YOU.

If I am going to be honest about it, I should be happy because I had a good trip this time in Korea! Actually, I am BUT I still feel sad and lost. I was listening to IU's Ending Scene and SUGA's Seesaw last night and I cried hard. LIKE SOLID. I just remembered someone... someone that I like very much. But I can't be with. Or more of like, someone who doesn't want to be with me, I guess?

It's funny, it's the first time I am opening up this side of me out there. BUT I am confident no one's gonna read this anyway haha so it's okay! So yeah, I cried especially to this part (Ending Scene):

"Make sure you eat well, because it’ll all pass

You'll be able to sleep well like you did before

I really mean it from the bottom of my heart

You have the right to become happier"

"As much as you were lonely

I really hope you meet someone

Who will love you more than you do

I’m sorry that's not me

It’s not easy to give" 

"Please be honest with me

You know I'll believe anything you say

Just like you said

Do you think that I will ever

Be loved by someone like me?"

Dibaaaa. Haha. This really struck a nerve and I was crying...but stopped cause someone came in and sat beside me. Ugh, I've been dealing with this feeling for weeks now, and I just wish the pain would stop. It's so hard for me to feel these emotions. There's a reason why I was not entertaining anyone for years. I'd rather not get hurt, I'd rather continue my life without romantic love.. without someone. I was really traumatized and yes, scared to get hurt again. So this was the first I opened my heart to someone again, cause I thought the connection was there. And it's really hard to find THAT connection nowadays, especially in dating apps. I thought what we had was real. I really thought so...I am just so dumb and naive really, I thought it was genuine lol. Now, I don't know what to believe anymore. 

I didn't get the answers. I wasn't able to get the answers. Just, silence on his end. I asked him if everything he said was a lie, but he did not reply. So I just assumed that whatever he said wasn't true. Haha. Tumanda na lang ako, naging tanga pa talaga ako lalo. It's okay, I guess. I was really happy the past months because of him. And I think I will just cherish those memories. He mattered to me, he really did. I actually didn't want it to end, but I had to. I like him, but I like myself too. And I don't want to settle for less than what I deserve now. He cannot give me what I needed, because of his priorities, and that's okay. I still believe he is a good person. He doesn't know it, but every day, he is still included in my prayers. I am praying for him hard, na feel ko nakukulitan na si Lord sakin. I am praying na sana he finds his way na, and that he also prays for things na I know he's struggling. So right now, ako na gumagawa non for him, kahit na alam ko nakukulitan na si Lord sakin. But God is still good, so I know He will listen and answer my prayers. 

Not gonna lie, I still like him. Even though I said goodbye, I still like him. I don't know why, but I do. I really do like him. And it hurts. How I wish we met in a different time, like a few years from now, baka sana pwede na. But life doesn't work out that way. And I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, hence, butterfly effect and burnt toast theory nga diba.

But liking him and chasing him are different. I like him, but I am not going to chase him. I do believe that it was BTS who really taught me how to love myself. So even though I am hurting now, I just cannot.. I cannot beg for someone's love if he can't give it to me. I would rather sit with the pain until I can no longer feel it, and that's what I am doing. I told this person that I am still open to being friends with him, because I really enjoyed his company. How I wish kapag ready na ako, kapag wala na feelings, he can still accept me and the friendship that I will offer.

I am finally learning to let go and let things be. Siguro in the future, if everything aligns for the both of us, and if pwede na, sana pwede pa. But of course, we can't really predict what will happen, and we can't control them. What I can control for now is how I react to things. I cannot control his emotions, the situation, etc. But I have to power to control myself. And I will do that, kahit mahirap.

To this person, I miss you. 3000. Hindi mo to mababasa pero sobrang gumaan pakiramdam ko dahil nagpakatotoo ako. Kahit dito lang sa blog na to. 

I wish you well. I hope you are happy. I. MISS. YOU.