When “Let’s Be Friends” Didn’t Mean Goodbye.

You probably never understood what I truly meant when I said let's just go back to being friends. Maybe to you, it sounded like I was pulling away, or like I didn’t care enough to fight for us anymore. Or that hindi na kita gusto. But that was never it. It was never because I stopped caring... it was because I still did.

When I offered friendship, hindi dahil hindi na kita gusto. It was because I was trying to hold on to you in a way that didn’t hurt either of us. I could feel how overwhelmed you were eh, with work, with your studies, with everything that life was asking of you. And I didn’t want to become one more thing you had to handle. I saw how you badly wanted to escape the life you have right now.

You told me once that your priorities sometimes get in the way. I understood that more than you think. That’s why instead of demanding more from you, I chose to give space. I thought maybe if I loosened my grip, things would feel lighter for you. I thought maybe friendship could be the place where we could still exist...without pressure, without expectations, just quietly still being there for each other.

But maybe you saw it differently. Maybe to you, my offer of friendship sounded like indifference. Maybe it made you think that I wanted out, or that I’d found someone else. The truth is... I just didn’t want to lose you completely. Ayan, sinabi ko na. Ayokong mawala ka sa buhay ko.

I didn’t want to force love to happen when timing wasn’t on our side. You said you liked me and wanted to pursue me, pero I know that it's not possible right now. But you know, I also didn’t want to erase the connection we had... the one that felt real, the one that came naturally, without trying. Sabi mo nga, nangyari na lang to naturally, walang pilit.

So I kept on offering friendship everytime nagsspiral and naooverwhelm ka because it was the only way I knew how to stay. It was my way of liking you quietly... without asking, without expecting, and without making you choose between me and everything else that matters to you.

But I realized that friendship isn’t always possible when feelings are still there. Maybe it’s something that only time can make easier. But still, I wanted you to know, every time I said “let’s be friends,” what I really meant was “I still care.”

Even if we couldn’t be together, I still wanted you to have peace. I wanted you to feel that you were understood, not pressured. Because I know that if it’s meant to be, even friendship won’t be the end of our story, it’ll just be a pause until we find the right time again.

The truth is, I miss you. I wanted only the best for you. I want you to be happy. Kahit na hindi na ako yung dahilan.

MY BOO.

 

Sa tingin nyo ba okay pa ako?! HINDI NA. HINDI NA TALAGA.

I MISS YOU.

If I am going to be honest about it, I should be happy because I had a good trip this time in Korea! Actually, I am BUT I still feel sad and lost. I was listening to IU's Ending Scene and SUGA's Seesaw last night and I cried hard. LIKE SOLID. I just remembered someone... someone that I like very much. But I can't be with. Or more of like, someone who doesn't want to be with me, I guess?

It's funny, it's the first time I am opening up this side of me out there. BUT I am confident no one's gonna read this anyway haha so it's okay! So yeah, I cried especially to this part (Ending Scene):

"Make sure you eat well, because it’ll all pass

You'll be able to sleep well like you did before

I really mean it from the bottom of my heart

You have the right to become happier"

"As much as you were lonely

I really hope you meet someone

Who will love you more than you do

I’m sorry that's not me

It’s not easy to give" 

"Please be honest with me

You know I'll believe anything you say

Just like you said

Do you think that I will ever

Be loved by someone like me?"

Dibaaaa. Haha. This really struck a nerve and I was crying...but stopped cause someone came in and sat beside me. Ugh, I've been dealing with this feeling for weeks now, and I just wish the pain would stop. It's so hard for me to feel these emotions. There's a reason why I was not entertaining anyone for years. I'd rather not get hurt, I'd rather continue my life without romantic love.. without someone. I was really traumatized and yes, scared to get hurt again. So this was the first I opened my heart to someone again, cause I thought the connection was there. And it's really hard to find THAT connection nowadays, especially in dating apps. I thought what we had was real. I really thought so...I am just so dumb and naive really, I thought it was genuine lol. Now, I don't know what to believe anymore. 

I didn't get the answers. I wasn't able to get the answers. Just, silence on his end. I asked him if everything he said was a lie, but he did not reply. So I just assumed that whatever he said wasn't true. Haha. Tumanda na lang ako, naging tanga pa talaga ako lalo. It's okay, I guess. I was really happy the past months because of him. And I think I will just cherish those memories. He mattered to me, he really did. I actually didn't want it to end, but I had to. I like him, but I like myself too. And I don't want to settle for less than what I deserve now. He cannot give me what I needed, because of his priorities, and that's okay. I still believe he is a good person. He doesn't know it, but every day, he is still included in my prayers. I am praying for him hard, na feel ko nakukulitan na si Lord sakin. I am praying na sana he finds his way na, and that he also prays for things na I know he's struggling. So right now, ako na gumagawa non for him, kahit na alam ko nakukulitan na si Lord sakin. But God is still good, so I know He will listen and answer my prayers. 

Not gonna lie, I still like him. Even though I said goodbye, I still like him. I don't know why, but I do. I really do like him. And it hurts. How I wish we met in a different time, like a few years from now, baka sana pwede na. But life doesn't work out that way. And I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, hence, butterfly effect and burnt toast theory nga diba.

But liking him and chasing him are different. I like him, but I am not going to chase him. I do believe that it was BTS who really taught me how to love myself. So even though I am hurting now, I just cannot.. I cannot beg for someone's love if he can't give it to me. I would rather sit with the pain until I can no longer feel it, and that's what I am doing. I told this person that I am still open to being friends with him, because I really enjoyed his company. How I wish kapag ready na ako, kapag wala na feelings, he can still accept me and the friendship that I will offer.

I am finally learning to let go and let things be. Siguro in the future, if everything aligns for the both of us, and if pwede na, sana pwede pa. But of course, we can't really predict what will happen, and we can't control them. What I can control for now is how I react to things. I cannot control his emotions, the situation, etc. But I have to power to control myself. And I will do that, kahit mahirap.

To this person, I miss you. 3000. Hindi mo to mababasa pero sobrang gumaan pakiramdam ko dahil nagpakatotoo ako. Kahit dito lang sa blog na to. 

I wish you well. I hope you are happy. I. MISS. YOU.

I AM BACK AFTER YEARS OF HIATUS!

Hi BLOGGER WORLD! I am back, after 6 years of not writing/blogging, I decided to give it a try again. It's going to be hard for me to keep up since I am a busy girl nowadays but, f*ck it! I see this now as my outlet for expressing what I feel, etc.

It just sucks that I wasn't able to continue my blogging as I had a lot of travel these past years. This is going to become my travel blog...definitely... or maybe my diary as well! 

Right now, I am trying not to be THAT active on my social media, mainly Instagram! I don't really open my TikTok account that much, probably like once a month only, and my Facebook, I just use it mainly for my business. Sa Instagram talaga ako nagddoomscroll, like I sometimes spend hours watching K-Pop reels. I know, it's unhealthy. Lol. That is why I'm trying to cut my time off on social media. 

Writing this while waiting for my flight from Incheon back to Manila feels a little bit bittersweet. I am going to miss Korea, though I will be back in three weeks, for Jin's concert! Haha! Hindi ko siya matiis eh!

Grabe, the last time na nagblog ako, wala pang AI. Like, it was really hard to write, and I’d get so conscious about my grammar. But now, life’s easier, no? The sad thing is, because it’s easier now, people tend to take everything for granted. I’m not going to be a hypocrite about it, ’cause sometimes I’m guilty too! But now, with a more conscious mind and a better understanding of things, I’m trying my best to see the good in everything...and of course, not take anything for granted.

SO YEAH, I AM BACK! SANA MAPANINDIGAN KO TO.